Few enter a loving relationship with eyes wide open; our mind spares us the glaring sun of reality; our heart guides us gently toward feeling of love and commitment.
We dream; shrouded with uncertainty like darkness before dawn, until, magically, that day star of mutual attraction rises in our hearts, shining light for the possibility of love.
In the dim, dewy, coolness of daybreak we breathe in the glorious promise of what can be. In the early hours of the sunrising, even as the surroundings become clearer and the dew gives way to the reality of the stubble, our hearts tell us the day will be good; we move ahead with purpose. In our marriages we do the same.
As it moves overhead, the sun changes things. The refreshing, dreamy, dewy magic of the dawn is gone. The stark reality of the searing heat saps strength, robs determination, burns the skin. We abandon clothes, smear on lotion, don sunshades, and cover our heads to escape; it is mid day. For a while we seek the shade.
Growing up in a small town, as I did decades ago, one of the facts that I had to learn to accept was divorce. Will you believe me when I tell you I was in my mid-twenties before I met my second divorced person? In that era, what is accepted (in fact, I think, expected) today, was viewed as shameful, something whispered about.
How drastically society’s and my own feeling have changed.
“It will never happen to me” was my smug, self-righteous declaration as the foundation of the sacred institution began to crumble in the late 1960’s; during the 70’s seeking gender equality was blamed for the roar of marital erosion. By the 1980’s the crushing landslide took it’s toll on my own 20+ years of marriage. It had happened to me.
Twenty years later, I know few families who have not suffered the heartbreak of broken homes. I dare not ask a person I have not seen in years, “How is (insert name of spouse I knew) these days?” I have made that mistake once or twice; the answer was short and sweet. “I have no idea we’ve been divorced for years.” There is no graceful way to overcome that faux pas.
The effects of the searing sun are tempered with comfort measures. In marriage, as the relationship matures, to survive as a couple, we learn to put on the sunshades of forgiveness, the lotion of understanding, as we shed the uncomfortably hot clothes of selfishness; seeking the refreshing shade of each other’s love protects and comforts when there seems to be no relief in sight.
Just as we could perish in the boiling heat of midday, should we refuse protective devices; our relationship can succumb to the torch of reality, the pressures of life. We forget the promise of the sparkling beauty of early morning; we lose the dream of a leisurely evening to be spent with one who has weathered the day with us.
So many times we are like the dying man in the desert who pushes on alone. The mirage that is always just ahead drives us relentlessly toward the destruction of what was once dear.
Sadly, in our society we expect 50 per cent of all unions to fail with a few years. They do not survive the realities of life.
It is easy to become cynical; but I am surrounded by couples who have made a lifetime commitment; living proof that together as loving couples they will enter the evening of a life together. Shining examples that with love, understanding, forgiveness two people accomplish much, even today.
Recently Linda and I received an invitation we marveled at. Our friends, Henry and Rosa were inviting us to celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary with them! My own parents were married almost 57 years. But they are of the older generation.
I had begun to believe marriages in my generation did not endure; I had developed tunnel vision after I became one of “the divorced ones”.
Beginning to look around, I find myself surrounded by successful commitment.
At my 50 year high school reunion several couple have been together almost 40 years, many 20+ years; my brother, LeVaine and Barbara were married in 1965–44 years; my own second time round is 23 years! Suddenly, I realize commitment and enduring marriage is still a reality.
Now, we approach the evening of our day; a wonderful thing is happening. We can look back, remember the heat of midday; be thankful we were able to face it together; it did not defeat us. In the soft glow of the early evening light I hope she sees not a feeble, bumbling fool, but through eyes blinded by love, may I be at least part of what she saw as the day star of love began to rise in our hearts in the early morning of our love.
I began the day, hurting from the sunburn of a previous day; hoping, but not really sure I could survive. Now in the coolness of the evening I know the comfort forgiveness, understanding, unselfish giving brings. The protective shade of her love has sustained and refreshed me. She taught me well.



